Cultural Musings · Open Letters

Listless

Dear Internet Lurkers,

6 things about lists that will absolutely SHOCK you:

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Blah blah blah blah blah blah…I am redundantly elaborating…blah blah blah blah blah…You should read this because it will give you valuable information that confirms that you don’t actually give a shit about this.

2. Okay, let’s be honest…

You depend on these lists to relieve your feelings. Example: 10 reasons why you don’t need a boyfriend. These lists give as much reassurance as a temporary drug high.

3. It’s a trap!

I sympathize with the struggle. You find an intriguing title: 10 Disney Princesses Reimagined as Teens. “Well, I gotta see what they look like.” You see Ariel dressed as a punk. Cool. Cool. Then you click ‘Next’…then ‘Next’…then ‘Next…OH WAIT DAMN I TAPPED AN AD. GO BACK GO BACK………..then ‘Next’. We all know these crafty sites are doing it all for page views.

wa14. Written by attention whores

The authors don’t give a shit about you. They want fame, fortune in shares and ad revenue, and the self-assured glamor that people like their wannabe list. Some lists are churned out by writers desperate for money or by interns who generate most of a website’s content. Let’s be even more honest. Buzzfeed benefits the most because it started this enigma of time sappers. More fame for them! Some lists are posers that are sponsored by a company. 

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5. The headlines lack originality

[insert number] [insert typically unspecified noun] [insert time-wasting story or subject]

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meangirls6. Buzzfeed = Mean Girls

Buzzfeed is Regina George. All the other websites are the starry-eyed worshippers that try to make “fetch” happen. Instead of being the wannabees like Gretchen Weiners, let’s just stick with Reddit, the Glenn Coco of the Internet.

– Listless #SheDoesntEvenGoHere

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