Dear Internet Lurkers,
6 things about lists that will absolutely SHOCK you:
Blah blah blah blah blah blah…I am redundantly elaborating…blah blah blah blah blah…You should read this because it will give you valuable information that confirms that you don’t actually give a shit about this.
2. Okay, let’s be honest…
You depend on these lists to relieve your feelings. Example: 10 reasons why you don’t need a boyfriend. These lists give as much reassurance as a temporary drug high.
3. It’s a trap!
I sympathize with the struggle. You find an intriguing title: 10 Disney Princesses Reimagined as Teens. “Well, I gotta see what they look like.” You see Ariel dressed as a punk. Cool. Cool. Then you click ‘Next’…then ‘Next’…then ‘Next…OH WAIT DAMN I TAPPED AN AD. GO BACK GO BACK………..then ‘Next’. We all know these crafty sites are doing it all for page views.
4. Written by attention whores
The authors don’t give a shit about you. They want fame, fortune in shares and ad revenue, and the self-assured glamor that people like their wannabe list. Some lists are churned out by writers desperate for money or by interns who generate most of a website’s content. Let’s be even more honest. Buzzfeed benefits the most because it started this enigma of time sappers. More fame for them! Some lists are posers that are sponsored by a company.
5. The headlines lack originality
[insert number] [insert typically unspecified noun] [insert time-wasting story or subject]
6. Buzzfeed = Mean Girls
Buzzfeed is Regina George. All the other websites are the starry-eyed worshippers that try to make “fetch” happen. Instead of being the wannabees like Gretchen Weiners, let’s just stick with Reddit, the Glenn Coco of the Internet.
– Listless #SheDoesntEvenGoHere